My ponderings on suicide were once committed to my web site (in the '90s), but none of the writing was recovered after Murkworks went down. I no longer even have a mention on their site. This past year I have had some of those issues on my mind, too. (Less so now, but I figure I gotta start somewhere in getting this all down to organize later.)

The basis for feeling unwilling or unmotivated to go on in making a life for myself has primarily to do with two things: the use of resources required to sustain my life, and my incredible sensitivity to my environment that can so easily make me feel unhappy.

Some days I feel that finishing my life would be the best thing I could do for the environment, for the greater good. If it is so hard to keep me happy and not in pain, then why should I bother trying when, in the trying, I only use up resources that might be better used elsewhere? Then the question is, what do I contribute back? and that is a sticky one. For most people, career is where people think of contributing back. I do have ambitions in that area, but not a sufficiently ambitious nature to push in and make my way there. If I do succeed in contributing to the fields of my studies, it will be achieved in my own special way apparently, since I don't feel they are letting me in the front door as of yet. My failure to get a real job and career has really caused me to do a lot of introspection and analysis of my character and accomplishments. For much of my adult life I have believed that my "social work" (for lack of better term) in the realm of dancing and interacting with strangers and awakening sexual openness in others, both strangers and within relationships, will make a bigger difference in the world than filling in a number on a chart in a chemistry reference text. Seriously, I do think I have a real contribution to make in terms of systems, neuroscience, learning, or AI but I am patient about that-- I think the environment for that is not yet ripe. The work I do interacting, with dogs, or with people, or with Kayleigh, both gives me more satisfaction and makes a more significant rippling contribution toward making the world a better place.

But is that enough to justify all the gas I now use? Today my guess is I am averaging $5/day in gas, some days far more since other days I do not leave the house in the car.

Well, for one thing, I will be useless to anyone if I feel like crap all the time, and so I have to prioritize things that feel good and reaffirm life for me. I often struggle in those times to find the fine line between decadence and tapping into life source. But what's up with feeling like crap? chronic pain, tendency to be sad in the absence of external stimulus. If I don't seem to even enjoy life, why bother using the resources?

The argument exists for checking out of society and finding a way to be decadently happy without responsibility and obligation. Why is that such a cop out for me? Why am I inherently so responsible and obligated? Childhood factors, probably, but this is one aspect that I don't think will go away. There were months I seriously considered going to the Oregon coast and settling in an established community for a nice, boring, hard working, compartmentalized existence away from the big world. But no, I like(/need/embody) complication and intensity and all of the very interesting things in the world. I also feel dedicated to using my talent and education to do what I can to make things better in a systems optimization sense.

On a biological or evolutionary level, only the successes count. The failures simply waste resources and time. Those things are finite for each of us personally, but beyond that, there's no problem with wasting them. Just move on and try again. My problem is in my head, coming from the feeling of responsibility and desire for resources to be conserved or well-used. I suppose also, a feeling of not personally being worthy of the resources I require. Further, the aspect of not feeling happy and satisfied with the outcome of all my efforts and the resources needed for my attempts, produces an attitude of Fuck it, why bother. I could justify a lot more if I wasn't lonely, cold, or in pain, or if I was able to succeed at my goals more directly and quickly.

So maybe I need more patience? But that doesn't jive with my utter lack of ambition for money or prestige.

What is life really about? For me, it is about relationships. I think a lot of validation that people get comes from their primary relationship, and from the structure surrounding those family relationships. Eating food together is a key aspect of what makes life feel right. Almost everyone struggles to eat well, living alone, unless they go out to eat a lot. Feeding one person seems like a full time job, and feeding several people is only incrementally more work. So given that I have not had a real primary relationship in years, plus having no family nearby except Ben who doesn't eat, I can understand why I have this searching-seeking nature about relationships. My marriage was a bit tantalizing, in that prior to the wedding we envisioned a bunch of good things that I'd like to have-- things that suddenly made partnership worthwhile. After getting married the realities prevented anything good from coming of it, sure, but I had a glimpse of what other people carry with them daily. I finally understood a bit more why people give up so much for the opportunity to build a partnership. My picture is more complicated than the nuclear family, but it now includes a primary relationship as something I desire. All of the other relationships I have are also really important to me, but a partner is now up there on the list too. While it was a shift from my thinking in young adulthood, it feels like a permanent one. I grow cynical that I will find someone who will both truly appreciate me and who will also deal with the complication of my independence and sexual attitudes. Who wants to be the primary for a woman who has a clear secondary partner on the scene and desires probably another secondary of more controversial relationship type?

I must have the things I know I need, I cannot bargain them away. (I've tried over and over again.) This steadfast conviction about my unconventional needs makes me almost impossible to be with or to please. You want to give up trying? me too!

Of course, I do not give up. Like my mom, I am tough as nails, and can get through anything. Like my mom, I get a little vicious at those times. Unlike my mom, I want to grow old with someone I have known for years and years. I want some things to be permanent. I was in a community at Murkworks (5 years or so), and what did that yield long term? Well, Kayleigh I suppose, but nothing in the community sense. The basis for it all seemed to be proximity. Proximity is really important, true. But I do want something that sustains, even through major re-arrangements. Most people get this from their primary relationship. I want a primary relationship, but I am afraid it is unlikely to happen. It just seems like maybe too much to ever really hope for. I am super grateful to Dan for inspiring renewed hope that I could find someone who I really fit with, even if it turns out not to be the right thing for us.

In conclusion on the topic of suicide, I am not at all a suicide risk. I just think about it a lot and use it as a construct in my thinking. I am far too responsible to abandon Mona like that, let alone Kayleigh. So do not worry.

Seductive

I spent a lot of time with my sweetie this weekend, when I had expected not to see him much. There's a turnaround right there. It's nice. I lingered over there into the afternoon despite being behind in my class planning. I got a start on it at his house and it was nice to work quietly near each other. Before the end is the best part, that time when there's a bit of a chase. He turns on the charm and can be incredibly seductive. I love to give myself to it, and enjoy it. I have been sorely in need of a way to tap into life force like that, a way to experience pleasure through my body, rather than chronic pain, stress, struggle, and depression. I am gaining in perspective despite continuing to give myself to the feeling. I am still in a phase of observing and allowing the state of things affect me without too much mental control over my emotions. The recent shift down toward reality was the beginning of the end of the freeform exploration. I'll have to get ahold of what I am doing and planning and wanting, pretty soon. Alternatively I can continue to exist in a paradoxical condition of knowing very little of what's real and important, and just grow peaceful about the uncertainty. Some days I wish I was more predictable.

Rapid Turnaround

How quickly things can change. I am having trouble figuring out why certain events have brought about a shift in my feelings. It feels as though trust has been lost somehow, but I can't really point to any one thing. After spending much of my day making a cake and card and putting together a gift for his birthday, he didn't greet me when we arrived. I was having a hard time keeping up any kind of appearance, but basically hanging in there. Then I saw him greet Star warmly and continuing after, talking and socializing with everyone but me. Each time I would sit near him, he would get up and leave. I tried to get his attention several times and finally leaned forward in the middle of a group of people and asked him to take a moment to talk with me. He looked irritated, but when we got to his room he was very sweet, as always. I just can't go for strong words that are undermined by actions. The connection helped and I felt better for the rest of the party more or less. I did hear him kissing her from the other room, and that was kind of humiliating. It was audible to everyone, and it was like they went around the corner to take time alone, which he had to be pressured into to doing with me. He wouldn't even kiss me, despite wearing a shirt that said "kiss me its my birthday". I don't think this is about jealousy per se, and certainly not sexual jealousy. It's about feeling valued and cared for and treated with respect. He called me his girlfriend, but that isn't going to fly if it means feeling like I have recently. Del was there and observed the whole thing, and told me out of the blue everything he saw happen. He said, the guy's young he had no idea, but yeah, he saw what happened and he saw I was dissed and that Dan didn't notice any of it. Dan said to me, "I'm sorry if I take you for granted." That says right there, "I expect I will take you for granted." After 5 weeks, I am not at all granted, eh. This-all may be tolerable right now but it certainly doesn't bode well for the future. This is about the prior night's conversation, which already had me questioning his professed caring for me. I just don't understand how he cares for me. He says all this stuff and then said, are you going to dump me now? All the stuff sounded like he may be dumping me. I have to ask myself, how would he let me know if that was what he wanted? This may be the follow through when the words were too soft. I know the method of break up-- make the other person do it. Regardless, I feel both tenacious commitment to whatever works and extreme cynicism about any words he says expressing some over the top emotion for me. I really can't complain about most dimensions of our relationship, but I knew with sadness that the birthday activities are probably the last big expression I can make for awhile. I can't ever play hard to get, but I am feeling a bit harder to get now. I can only wonder what will fill the void. Time will tell. It was nice to see him drink and not get fucking plowed.

I have not written in the last week, detailing the series of events last weekend, which he somehow unburied himself from that same day. I probably should. When I write things out it can sound pretty damning. At that party, he also left the circle of people each time I joined the one he was in. I understand, it just happens that way often. But every single time? Is that how it will be at every single gathering? He had told me not to worry about bringing the thing I like to have at parties, but then he used what I had and mixed it with tobacco, told me he didn't, and that was a bummer. But he was drunk. He passed out, and we were there for hours, and I wished I had Mona. I didn't have mona or my thing I needed because I didn't drive my car. While he was passed out, I came to see him and was rubbing his back, talking to him. He was saying very sweet things, but then he started calling me pet names for the woman we were visiting, whom he had implied had some kind of History or unresolved feelings in their relationship. So step back here, why does he give a preamble before we go socialize about a woman (Ana or Star) without telling me what happened or what he wants, or what. Just enough info to make it awkward, but not enough to make it okay. Then the behaviour while we are there, while I am in a social situation, having to cope or figure things out in public. Well anyway, I was surprised he had the expectation that she would be doing the things I was doing, and that he didn't even realize it was me when he looked up and I said I am not Ana. I just had to walk away. So then, Ana and her man are worried about me and we have this drunken heart to heart about more vagaries and how Dan must really care for me simply because he brought me to their house. Fine. It really is. Not impressive, but fine. In all honesty he was saying she had better stop in case his "gf" got jealous. Then he puked all over the couch and I got to see Ana cleaning him up and bossing him around. Which brings up the bigger deal issue. He had just given me a talk about how I should not make demands of him, but ask. Then he responds to Ana completely differently than he does to me. She bosses him around and he cooperates with her. Seriously, I say something and he laughs it off and ignores me. She says it and he does it. Over and over again. So trying to help him get up and him being so flip with me but then hopping-to the same moment when Ana says it, that didn't go over too well for me. He had vomited all over the couch. She was cleaning him up and the state I was in, watching her take care of him when he was so clearly putting distance between us, made an impression. I was pretty alienated. I decided to stay with him anyway, just to see what happened. He was able to wake up when we got home. We talked into the night and somehow he made it okay. He just told me he loves me over and over again. Somehow that felt real, and I believed it. But puking on your friend's couch? So high school. [sigh]

Did he treat me less well last night because I wasn't dolled up? In fact, I had a hard time getting dressed and getting over there. It took me 40 minutes to decide what to wear, and I had pretty low expectations of my enjoyment of his party. I was nervous. So I went in what I was wearing, low key, not dressed up. Maybe he would have wanted to introduce me to people if I was looking hotter. That won't cut it.

His inherent strengths are very appealing to me. The idea that he may actually develop his strengths further is enticing, though risky. But along with those inherent strengths are some inherent qualities that aren't of a caliber I am used to, and I didn't know alcoholism was a part of the package (which it may or may not be but the issue seems relevant). I am very experienced with alcoholism, and for this issue as well, only time will tell.

I wish it was easier for me to distinguish between me feeling like I am rejecting someone and me feeling like they are rejecting me. In the fit sense, it doesn't matter either way. This felt like an amazingly good fit, and now the the above aspects seem not to be fitting so well. I was worried about the physical fit issue, and he somehow makes that work-- something I would have been skeptical of. However, he may be wrecking me for being happy with anyone else in that regard, so I do see a net loss for me if this doesn't work out. I really am patient to see if this stuff stands the test of time. I just have to re-assess almost continually when incidents become patterns. It was nice feeling good for awhile, but now I have been sad enough to question what I am really doing with this little escapade. Maybe I'll live my whole life just getting by.

(That's an Ani lyric that popped into my head
from the song that goes:

"youth is beauty
money is beauty
hell, beauty is beauty sometimes
it's the luck of the draw
it's the natural law
it's a joke
it's a crime
I was bored
you were bored
it was a meeting of the minds
now it's three in the afternoon and I can't leave too soon
saying thank you, I had a nice time

take me home
take me home and leave me there
think I'm going to cry, I don't know why
think I'm going to sing myself a lullaby
feel free to listen
feel free to stare

maybe I'll live my whole life
just getting by
maybe I'll be discovered
maybe I'll be colonized
you could try to train me like a pet
you could try to teach me to behave
But I'll tell you, if I haven't learned it yet
you know,
I ain't gonna sit, I ain't gonna stay

take me home..."

Through pairing we seek to reconnect the whole and find god, create god. We seek to make the yin/yang unified and this seeking defines a huge proportion of existential angst and seeking of answers and divinity. Where is home? what makes me feel at home? He said our first hug felt "like home, so comfortable and wonderful." Could it be true? Is it another illusion and if it is, how long can it sustain? Long enough to fool me for real?

On loneliness and spending time alone

I spent a lot of time alone as a child, mostly on the beach but also in the forest. I have written in the past about how I view this experience and its effect on my personality and viewpoints. I'd like to locate those files but I think they were not recovered from the Murkworks crash.

For example, back in grad school (when I had a social group, when I dated, etc, and specifically with respect to MDB), people would suggest that I should be happy alone before I could have a meaningful partnership. You know, the typicaly "find yourself" line. That was around the time I had my ring made for myself, as well. After months of reflection, I decided that the years of extended alone time as a child had filled me up in that respect, and that I did not need as much "alone time" as most people. Sometimes I do need time to myself, but it isn't an issue for me in general. I discovered then that I am a people person-- that an important focus in my life is other people, my relationships with them, and my own self-discovery that happens through my relationships with others.

Since having Kayleigh, I had not been lonely in years, until I moved to Northgate. Sorting through all the loneliness and change, and working to clarify my goals and expectations in life, I was surprised to find an admission (or discovery, really) that I may just prefer being alone and in control more than I want people around. Of course, the key is to find people you like to have around. I had been experiencing frustration with the people I drew into my life. I like people but then to have a person hanging around, or harder still-- going to meet them somewhere, ended up bothering me. I think it was primarily because they were not people I already knew. I was growing cynical that I would ever truly click with another new person.

I think that the real trick in relationships is to find the correct spacing with a given person, for the given circumstances. It requires the flexibility to change with time, and the transitions can be difficult, or at least be times that are ripe for hurt or misunderstanding. I don't like to give up on relationships and say goodbye. I prefer to feel like they extend on into the future, just under a different arrangement. I want to keep my past loves, and continue to have love for them, but define a different set of constraints. It can be very freeing, and I do find comfort in talking to the people I have chosen to have close to me over the years, and especially in the friends that have known me in so many different ways.

I only have a few long-term friends and I don't keep in touch sufficiently. But when I do talk with them, I feel energized and happy. My unrequited relationships that still cause me pain could easily be rectified through friendship alone. For example, when Brenda forgave me that Halloween night, and we cried together and danced together, I felt completely different from that point forward. We only talk once a year or so, but she's one of the special people I would always welcome back in my life, and I now think that is mutual. Until that night, my relationship with Brenda was one of the things I most beat myself up over, and experienced distress and regret for whenever I was down. A huge weight was lifted for me when we got in the clear again.

So I have to keep in mind that while most random people are not of a calibre that I will want to spend a lot of time with them, there are several amazing individuals that hold me in high regard. A large part of being okay alone has to do with the relationship a person has in one's head, whether it is with oneself or with one's perception of another person. As they say, whatever it takes to get through the night. Just because I rely on the image I have in my head
of various people I care about does not mean I believe my image is a true reflection of who they are. My childhood time alone, watching cycles in nature, left me with a solid feeling of my place in the world-- as an individual, and as part of a natural system. Most of my issues relate to groups and social interactions. It's challenging to balance my independent mindset and environmental sensitivity with a persistent desire for the companionship of an equal as well as membership in a group.