My ponderings on suicide were once committed to my web site (in the '90s), but none of the writing was recovered after Murkworks went down. I no longer even have a mention on their site. This past year I have had some of those issues on my mind, too. (Less so now, but I figure I gotta start somewhere in getting this all down to organize later.)

The basis for feeling unwilling or unmotivated to go on in making a life for myself has primarily to do with two things: the use of resources required to sustain my life, and my incredible sensitivity to my environment that can so easily make me feel unhappy.

Some days I feel that finishing my life would be the best thing I could do for the environment, for the greater good. If it is so hard to keep me happy and not in pain, then why should I bother trying when, in the trying, I only use up resources that might be better used elsewhere? Then the question is, what do I contribute back? and that is a sticky one. For most people, career is where people think of contributing back. I do have ambitions in that area, but not a sufficiently ambitious nature to push in and make my way there. If I do succeed in contributing to the fields of my studies, it will be achieved in my own special way apparently, since I don't feel they are letting me in the front door as of yet. My failure to get a real job and career has really caused me to do a lot of introspection and analysis of my character and accomplishments. For much of my adult life I have believed that my "social work" (for lack of better term) in the realm of dancing and interacting with strangers and awakening sexual openness in others, both strangers and within relationships, will make a bigger difference in the world than filling in a number on a chart in a chemistry reference text. Seriously, I do think I have a real contribution to make in terms of systems, neuroscience, learning, or AI but I am patient about that-- I think the environment for that is not yet ripe. The work I do interacting, with dogs, or with people, or with Kayleigh, both gives me more satisfaction and makes a more significant rippling contribution toward making the world a better place.

But is that enough to justify all the gas I now use? Today my guess is I am averaging $5/day in gas, some days far more since other days I do not leave the house in the car.

Well, for one thing, I will be useless to anyone if I feel like crap all the time, and so I have to prioritize things that feel good and reaffirm life for me. I often struggle in those times to find the fine line between decadence and tapping into life source. But what's up with feeling like crap? chronic pain, tendency to be sad in the absence of external stimulus. If I don't seem to even enjoy life, why bother using the resources?

The argument exists for checking out of society and finding a way to be decadently happy without responsibility and obligation. Why is that such a cop out for me? Why am I inherently so responsible and obligated? Childhood factors, probably, but this is one aspect that I don't think will go away. There were months I seriously considered going to the Oregon coast and settling in an established community for a nice, boring, hard working, compartmentalized existence away from the big world. But no, I like(/need/embody) complication and intensity and all of the very interesting things in the world. I also feel dedicated to using my talent and education to do what I can to make things better in a systems optimization sense.

On a biological or evolutionary level, only the successes count. The failures simply waste resources and time. Those things are finite for each of us personally, but beyond that, there's no problem with wasting them. Just move on and try again. My problem is in my head, coming from the feeling of responsibility and desire for resources to be conserved or well-used. I suppose also, a feeling of not personally being worthy of the resources I require. Further, the aspect of not feeling happy and satisfied with the outcome of all my efforts and the resources needed for my attempts, produces an attitude of Fuck it, why bother. I could justify a lot more if I wasn't lonely, cold, or in pain, or if I was able to succeed at my goals more directly and quickly.

So maybe I need more patience? But that doesn't jive with my utter lack of ambition for money or prestige.

What is life really about? For me, it is about relationships. I think a lot of validation that people get comes from their primary relationship, and from the structure surrounding those family relationships. Eating food together is a key aspect of what makes life feel right. Almost everyone struggles to eat well, living alone, unless they go out to eat a lot. Feeding one person seems like a full time job, and feeding several people is only incrementally more work. So given that I have not had a real primary relationship in years, plus having no family nearby except Ben who doesn't eat, I can understand why I have this searching-seeking nature about relationships. My marriage was a bit tantalizing, in that prior to the wedding we envisioned a bunch of good things that I'd like to have-- things that suddenly made partnership worthwhile. After getting married the realities prevented anything good from coming of it, sure, but I had a glimpse of what other people carry with them daily. I finally understood a bit more why people give up so much for the opportunity to build a partnership. My picture is more complicated than the nuclear family, but it now includes a primary relationship as something I desire. All of the other relationships I have are also really important to me, but a partner is now up there on the list too. While it was a shift from my thinking in young adulthood, it feels like a permanent one. I grow cynical that I will find someone who will both truly appreciate me and who will also deal with the complication of my independence and sexual attitudes. Who wants to be the primary for a woman who has a clear secondary partner on the scene and desires probably another secondary of more controversial relationship type?

I must have the things I know I need, I cannot bargain them away. (I've tried over and over again.) This steadfast conviction about my unconventional needs makes me almost impossible to be with or to please. You want to give up trying? me too!

Of course, I do not give up. Like my mom, I am tough as nails, and can get through anything. Like my mom, I get a little vicious at those times. Unlike my mom, I want to grow old with someone I have known for years and years. I want some things to be permanent. I was in a community at Murkworks (5 years or so), and what did that yield long term? Well, Kayleigh I suppose, but nothing in the community sense. The basis for it all seemed to be proximity. Proximity is really important, true. But I do want something that sustains, even through major re-arrangements. Most people get this from their primary relationship. I want a primary relationship, but I am afraid it is unlikely to happen. It just seems like maybe too much to ever really hope for. I am super grateful to Dan for inspiring renewed hope that I could find someone who I really fit with, even if it turns out not to be the right thing for us.

In conclusion on the topic of suicide, I am not at all a suicide risk. I just think about it a lot and use it as a construct in my thinking. I am far too responsible to abandon Mona like that, let alone Kayleigh. So do not worry.