On loneliness and spending time alone

I spent a lot of time alone as a child, mostly on the beach but also in the forest. I have written in the past about how I view this experience and its effect on my personality and viewpoints. I'd like to locate those files but I think they were not recovered from the Murkworks crash.

For example, back in grad school (when I had a social group, when I dated, etc, and specifically with respect to MDB), people would suggest that I should be happy alone before I could have a meaningful partnership. You know, the typicaly "find yourself" line. That was around the time I had my ring made for myself, as well. After months of reflection, I decided that the years of extended alone time as a child had filled me up in that respect, and that I did not need as much "alone time" as most people. Sometimes I do need time to myself, but it isn't an issue for me in general. I discovered then that I am a people person-- that an important focus in my life is other people, my relationships with them, and my own self-discovery that happens through my relationships with others.

Since having Kayleigh, I had not been lonely in years, until I moved to Northgate. Sorting through all the loneliness and change, and working to clarify my goals and expectations in life, I was surprised to find an admission (or discovery, really) that I may just prefer being alone and in control more than I want people around. Of course, the key is to find people you like to have around. I had been experiencing frustration with the people I drew into my life. I like people but then to have a person hanging around, or harder still-- going to meet them somewhere, ended up bothering me. I think it was primarily because they were not people I already knew. I was growing cynical that I would ever truly click with another new person.

I think that the real trick in relationships is to find the correct spacing with a given person, for the given circumstances. It requires the flexibility to change with time, and the transitions can be difficult, or at least be times that are ripe for hurt or misunderstanding. I don't like to give up on relationships and say goodbye. I prefer to feel like they extend on into the future, just under a different arrangement. I want to keep my past loves, and continue to have love for them, but define a different set of constraints. It can be very freeing, and I do find comfort in talking to the people I have chosen to have close to me over the years, and especially in the friends that have known me in so many different ways.

I only have a few long-term friends and I don't keep in touch sufficiently. But when I do talk with them, I feel energized and happy. My unrequited relationships that still cause me pain could easily be rectified through friendship alone. For example, when Brenda forgave me that Halloween night, and we cried together and danced together, I felt completely different from that point forward. We only talk once a year or so, but she's one of the special people I would always welcome back in my life, and I now think that is mutual. Until that night, my relationship with Brenda was one of the things I most beat myself up over, and experienced distress and regret for whenever I was down. A huge weight was lifted for me when we got in the clear again.

So I have to keep in mind that while most random people are not of a calibre that I will want to spend a lot of time with them, there are several amazing individuals that hold me in high regard. A large part of being okay alone has to do with the relationship a person has in one's head, whether it is with oneself or with one's perception of another person. As they say, whatever it takes to get through the night. Just because I rely on the image I have in my head
of various people I care about does not mean I believe my image is a true reflection of who they are. My childhood time alone, watching cycles in nature, left me with a solid feeling of my place in the world-- as an individual, and as part of a natural system. Most of my issues relate to groups and social interactions. It's challenging to balance my independent mindset and environmental sensitivity with a persistent desire for the companionship of an equal as well as membership in a group.