Rapid Turnaround

How quickly things can change. I am having trouble figuring out why certain events have brought about a shift in my feelings. It feels as though trust has been lost somehow, but I can't really point to any one thing. After spending much of my day making a cake and card and putting together a gift for his birthday, he didn't greet me when we arrived. I was having a hard time keeping up any kind of appearance, but basically hanging in there. Then I saw him greet Star warmly and continuing after, talking and socializing with everyone but me. Each time I would sit near him, he would get up and leave. I tried to get his attention several times and finally leaned forward in the middle of a group of people and asked him to take a moment to talk with me. He looked irritated, but when we got to his room he was very sweet, as always. I just can't go for strong words that are undermined by actions. The connection helped and I felt better for the rest of the party more or less. I did hear him kissing her from the other room, and that was kind of humiliating. It was audible to everyone, and it was like they went around the corner to take time alone, which he had to be pressured into to doing with me. He wouldn't even kiss me, despite wearing a shirt that said "kiss me its my birthday". I don't think this is about jealousy per se, and certainly not sexual jealousy. It's about feeling valued and cared for and treated with respect. He called me his girlfriend, but that isn't going to fly if it means feeling like I have recently. Del was there and observed the whole thing, and told me out of the blue everything he saw happen. He said, the guy's young he had no idea, but yeah, he saw what happened and he saw I was dissed and that Dan didn't notice any of it. Dan said to me, "I'm sorry if I take you for granted." That says right there, "I expect I will take you for granted." After 5 weeks, I am not at all granted, eh. This-all may be tolerable right now but it certainly doesn't bode well for the future. This is about the prior night's conversation, which already had me questioning his professed caring for me. I just don't understand how he cares for me. He says all this stuff and then said, are you going to dump me now? All the stuff sounded like he may be dumping me. I have to ask myself, how would he let me know if that was what he wanted? This may be the follow through when the words were too soft. I know the method of break up-- make the other person do it. Regardless, I feel both tenacious commitment to whatever works and extreme cynicism about any words he says expressing some over the top emotion for me. I really can't complain about most dimensions of our relationship, but I knew with sadness that the birthday activities are probably the last big expression I can make for awhile. I can't ever play hard to get, but I am feeling a bit harder to get now. I can only wonder what will fill the void. Time will tell. It was nice to see him drink and not get fucking plowed.

I have not written in the last week, detailing the series of events last weekend, which he somehow unburied himself from that same day. I probably should. When I write things out it can sound pretty damning. At that party, he also left the circle of people each time I joined the one he was in. I understand, it just happens that way often. But every single time? Is that how it will be at every single gathering? He had told me not to worry about bringing the thing I like to have at parties, but then he used what I had and mixed it with tobacco, told me he didn't, and that was a bummer. But he was drunk. He passed out, and we were there for hours, and I wished I had Mona. I didn't have mona or my thing I needed because I didn't drive my car. While he was passed out, I came to see him and was rubbing his back, talking to him. He was saying very sweet things, but then he started calling me pet names for the woman we were visiting, whom he had implied had some kind of History or unresolved feelings in their relationship. So step back here, why does he give a preamble before we go socialize about a woman (Ana or Star) without telling me what happened or what he wants, or what. Just enough info to make it awkward, but not enough to make it okay. Then the behaviour while we are there, while I am in a social situation, having to cope or figure things out in public. Well anyway, I was surprised he had the expectation that she would be doing the things I was doing, and that he didn't even realize it was me when he looked up and I said I am not Ana. I just had to walk away. So then, Ana and her man are worried about me and we have this drunken heart to heart about more vagaries and how Dan must really care for me simply because he brought me to their house. Fine. It really is. Not impressive, but fine. In all honesty he was saying she had better stop in case his "gf" got jealous. Then he puked all over the couch and I got to see Ana cleaning him up and bossing him around. Which brings up the bigger deal issue. He had just given me a talk about how I should not make demands of him, but ask. Then he responds to Ana completely differently than he does to me. She bosses him around and he cooperates with her. Seriously, I say something and he laughs it off and ignores me. She says it and he does it. Over and over again. So trying to help him get up and him being so flip with me but then hopping-to the same moment when Ana says it, that didn't go over too well for me. He had vomited all over the couch. She was cleaning him up and the state I was in, watching her take care of him when he was so clearly putting distance between us, made an impression. I was pretty alienated. I decided to stay with him anyway, just to see what happened. He was able to wake up when we got home. We talked into the night and somehow he made it okay. He just told me he loves me over and over again. Somehow that felt real, and I believed it. But puking on your friend's couch? So high school. [sigh]

Did he treat me less well last night because I wasn't dolled up? In fact, I had a hard time getting dressed and getting over there. It took me 40 minutes to decide what to wear, and I had pretty low expectations of my enjoyment of his party. I was nervous. So I went in what I was wearing, low key, not dressed up. Maybe he would have wanted to introduce me to people if I was looking hotter. That won't cut it.

His inherent strengths are very appealing to me. The idea that he may actually develop his strengths further is enticing, though risky. But along with those inherent strengths are some inherent qualities that aren't of a caliber I am used to, and I didn't know alcoholism was a part of the package (which it may or may not be but the issue seems relevant). I am very experienced with alcoholism, and for this issue as well, only time will tell.

I wish it was easier for me to distinguish between me feeling like I am rejecting someone and me feeling like they are rejecting me. In the fit sense, it doesn't matter either way. This felt like an amazingly good fit, and now the the above aspects seem not to be fitting so well. I was worried about the physical fit issue, and he somehow makes that work-- something I would have been skeptical of. However, he may be wrecking me for being happy with anyone else in that regard, so I do see a net loss for me if this doesn't work out. I really am patient to see if this stuff stands the test of time. I just have to re-assess almost continually when incidents become patterns. It was nice feeling good for awhile, but now I have been sad enough to question what I am really doing with this little escapade. Maybe I'll live my whole life just getting by.

(That's an Ani lyric that popped into my head
from the song that goes:

"youth is beauty
money is beauty
hell, beauty is beauty sometimes
it's the luck of the draw
it's the natural law
it's a joke
it's a crime
I was bored
you were bored
it was a meeting of the minds
now it's three in the afternoon and I can't leave too soon
saying thank you, I had a nice time

take me home
take me home and leave me there
think I'm going to cry, I don't know why
think I'm going to sing myself a lullaby
feel free to listen
feel free to stare

maybe I'll live my whole life
just getting by
maybe I'll be discovered
maybe I'll be colonized
you could try to train me like a pet
you could try to teach me to behave
But I'll tell you, if I haven't learned it yet
you know,
I ain't gonna sit, I ain't gonna stay

take me home..."

Through pairing we seek to reconnect the whole and find god, create god. We seek to make the yin/yang unified and this seeking defines a huge proportion of existential angst and seeking of answers and divinity. Where is home? what makes me feel at home? He said our first hug felt "like home, so comfortable and wonderful." Could it be true? Is it another illusion and if it is, how long can it sustain? Long enough to fool me for real?