sept 30
It's probably pms-related as well as due to the chickens all dying, but I am feeling sad. I feel torn. Already I felt unsure of my direction, if there was one worth going, ya know, all that. Now I feel trapped by my life as a mom. How surprised I am! I hear in some of Dan's words the indication of me, by myself, without my girls, and I have not thought that way in so long that it triggers a whole cascade of considerations. I have several levels of reactions. All of them feel pretty profound.

The first was to notice the changes in Kayleigh. I thought of my sister Eve Marie and how she lost my mother to my father when she was 7 years old. What a tough time that must have been. Since that first night he spent with me, we have not woken up with her here and Dan in my bed. She has continued to sleep with me. I had been considering how long I would let this go on, and how I would manage the transition.

Things have updated with Dan, and it seems clear that domestic life together is not really favored right now. My more recent reactions have been a process acknowledging that. I want someone to fill this huge space in my life, and I want it to be Dan, and not-so-haps ahorra. I have found, in fact, that sleeping over there and waking early works really well for me. Then my concerns trend toward issues of imbalance and setting precedent. I worry about expectations based on those, and also of expectations of "getting a turn." This relationship feels more equal than any before, yet I still worry about setting up asymmetry in ways that I won't always be happy with. I can't be keeping score, of course.

We also have this way of making a dig or joke of vaguely negative connotation shortly before we part ways. I get over it, but it's an effort. I noticed the pattern, and I have seen some acknowledgment of it on his side, as well. His effort to soften words that came out "wrong" even without me saying a thing. Other times I know what he means, and I try to take it that way, but it still takes an effort to beat feeling deflated.

And I seem to be showing a bit of need for drama, or at least processing. Last Friday I was pretty bummed out that he didn't want to rush to see me. I hate to create that. I know it's no big deal. On the other hand, unreliable plans can cost a lot of time and effort. This concerns me in the asymmetry respect, as well as on my behalf for the drama I may create. I get so sensitive around my period anymore, I really want special treatment. How fair is that.

In all of these things, and in my annoying ways too, he has handled them really well and been kind as well as clear. All of this is really good. I have to slow down and take the flow and carry the uncertainty, and I am sure this is good. But I still feel so sad.

I wonder if I am just scared to lose this, scared that it won't work out. I am used to feeling sad about the unmet needs I have, and that feels slightly accurate right now.

I feel that my tears right now are more about acknowledging how hurt I feel from so much of my history, and it's the okayness that I suddenly feel that lets it out.
Maybe I feel desperate.

or unworthy, afraid I will fuck it all up. There's a fine line between the rationale that if he really likes me then I don't have to censor myself, and being reckless or careless. I want to be full of care. I am glad I never made an offhand remarks about name. I held my tongue and found out a ton of relevant information before spouting my mouth off. There's a better way for me to express myself than I would have known without any information.

And I am terribly fearful of the potential that I won't be able to deal with him and the ways he may refuse to accommodate what I want in our relationship. I *think* I can be really flexible and feel okay, so long as things are in good standing on any given parting of ways. I would hate for me to find I don't want this, that I find it isn't worth it somehow. This is someone who actualizes me in a way. Makes me grow a bit, pushes me without wounding me. What if I feel I am too serious and mature for him? What if I send him away and he doesn't come back? As long as I feel okay and feel goodwill, I have to be happy enough with that. I hope that he grows and clarifies his desires with me and seeks more information before judging my parenting. (post on K and injury reactions, toddler) I hope he really desires to help me in the ways I so desperately need help. Many people want a piece of him. I am good at sharing, but I hope I feel met in my effort.

I wish I was free to experiment so I would know what I want in our relationship, but I can't escape the mom life, and so I can't know. I guess I am saying I am intrigued by the idea of sailing around the world with him, but I can't promise I'll want to live on a boat forever. Is he even asking? Is he going in a year? Is my timeline too long? Is my distraction too much for his plan? Can I have what I want first? What family obligations would I walk away from? Couldn't I still be responsible and still have freedom? Isn't that my specialty anyway?

There is a whole spectrum of issues relating to our sex life that are on my mind, too.

It is hard to cope with uncertainty when I have so much desire (and hope). The death of the chickens sent me off into a process of whether to get new chickens, can I handle it, am I waiting for pullets, can I even bother with pullets again? Maybe it's easier to just buy eggs. Will I even be here? Was buying the house a mistake? This is all unnecessary worry. My mind needs to stop turning over so many options.

My first reaction to the statements that made me feel like he wants me alone, without my girls, was to really want to have a child with him. The child isn't the draw, but creating a family together. I want him to be my family, and I want him to share parenthood with me so it isn't like a venereal disease I have and he doesn't. But that opens a world of complication, and I would not want to rush into it.

Those jokes he made: joining Lake Bronson together, moving in with me, marrying for health insurance, having a child-- what a tease. Did these things give me permission to feel intensely? Did they draw me in? Or just make me think? I give him so many words and seldom get a reaction or similar communication in return. I feel unwise, like a schoolgirl, unable to stop walking into the cave that caught my interest, wondering incautiously if I will get swallowed alive.