More about Dan

I have begun to share some of this stuff with him.

When he was here, he woke up in the morning and turned on all the radios. It was great. Did he observe that I had them on the day before, or was it just inclination? either way, very cool.

I saw him last night. We talked late at night when I had to get up at 6:30 am, and we had not really connected in several days. He says things in the past tense, making me think it is over. He says things that imply it is over, but I don't know if he realizes his language comes across that way. I was crying for a long time before he knew. I was very emotional and today I sent him more email about what was said. It may be overload. We have not even touched the topics of monogamy or the other men in my life. This was all about travel and where we live. It sounds like he is hesitant to grow attached to me because he doesn't like being in the region, and he doesn't want the pain of having to leave me.

I don't actually know where he stands, I guess.

It cannot worry me. I have one course of action, and that is move forward with my feelings clear and my confidence impeccable. I truly do have faith in what I feel around him, and the details don't change that. I am joyful to have found him regardless of whether I get to keep him. I may be personally devastated if he does not choose a partnership with me, but in the greater context of my life's course, this has already been significant.

When I first took LSD I felt that my life had changed forever, and it had. IT was like I woke up. I realized this is it, this is life, I have only me to work with here. There's no suddenly growing up and becoming this person, I was how I was. It was a feeling of self-acceptance. Then for years, I evaluated myself. I was disappointed at the results to be honest. I have spent years now thinking about how to cope with being stuck with my flaws, trying to be happy with work-arounds. Clearly a lot of self-image stuff is going on for me right now, with my recent history of unemployment and lack of strong family, and somehow evoked by that first feeling of being in Dan's arms and looking into his eyes. It was like a vibrating sense, possibly magnetic, envisioned like an aura extending about 4" enveloping us. When it spread out to fill my life, the vibrating sensation went away.

It disappears and it's easy to forget how it was, living without it. It's easy to take it for granted. I made a note to myself to make it a high priority. I feel fine now. I didn't feel fine before. I can't let that go. Sometimes I don't know why I am so committed to such a new relationship. When I haven't seen him, or when I first arrive over there. But each time there is something that reminds me, or rather, confirms. So I made a conscious decision to allow this, to go there, to have faith. If I am wrong, I'll tumble off my little high. I would always take the risk of hurt if the potential reward is as enticing as this pairing feels to me.